The Malarkeys
The Malarkeys are America's premier political family. In the words of Pat O. Biddy, host of the TV program "Mouthful":
Whether it's standing up to U.S. saber-rattling, protecting people's right not to work, or fighting for equal justice for all, the Malarkeys are giants. They are the lords who watch over us. They are the pantheon on our Olympus. We are not worthy.
Among the best known Malarkeys:
Winthrop Malarkey is a former U.S. Senator from Connecticut. He currently serves as Secretary of Bailouts & Stimulus.
Among his major initiatives is the federal takeover of Major League Baseball and the imposition of new rules guaranteeing that umpires' calls are allocated fairly rather than on the basis of outdated so-called "rules." He personally selected Murry Doze, a third-year law student, as the Commissioner of Baseball.
He has funneled stimulus funds to projects in newly discovered cities, counties, and congressional districts; to alternative energy projects such as Perpetual Motion Dippy Birds and the elimination of glass in automobiles; and to the longtime female associates of Democratic officeholders across the country.
Senator Betsy Malarkey (D-Connecticut) was appointed to Cousin Winthrop's Senate seat. She has a B.A. with Highest Possible and Well-Deserved Honors from Harvard University. The woman who took her college exams for her is currently writing Betsy's Ph.D. dissertation.
A team of journalists is at work on her first book, which will appear on The New York Times Best-Seller List for 12 weeks (or longer, if a longer stay on the list would not arouse suspicion). The audiobook version will receive next year's Grammy for Best Spoken Word Recording.
Betsy's best friends are her stuffed animals Hooty Owl, Teddy Bearody, and Sparkle the Dragon.
Congressman Ted Malarkey (D-Connecticut) is a leading advocate for legislation, known as McCobb-Malarkey, to increase the speed of light, in order to stave off the approaching ice age. He works closely with the leading Hollywood advocate for McCobb-Malarkey, the actor Hector Directo. Previously, Ted was the leading advocate for legislation to round off pi.
Congressman Drow Malarkey (D-Rhode Island) is a graduate of the Cancun Drivers' Education Clinic, at which he enrolled after his involvement in an automobile accident in Las Vegas. He has vehemently denied reports in the Far Right media that, while he was partying in Las Vegas with women of ill fame, one of the women overdosed on a controlled substance; and that, fleeing the scene, he ran a station wagon full of nuns off the road into a busfull of sick children and that the bus crashed into, and destroyed, the last remaining grove of a type of tree that is the sole source of food for two species of panda. Further, he denies that a family aide paid off the victims and witnesses, and that Drow's double, who took his college exams for him, went to prison in his place.
Congressman Rupert Malarkey (D-Maryland) represents his state's 8th congressional district. He attempted to file papers to run for another term in 2010, but, given that he misspelled his name four different ways in those documents, some observers doubt that those papers will stand up in court. During deliberations in the case, the judge who will make the final decision bought a new mansion and a BMW, and he received word that his daughter, who flunked out of high school, had been accepted by Harvard.
Other members of the Malarkey Family include Cousin Arachne, who suffers from an addiction to rehab; Cousin Caspar, who moved to Namibia because it does share extradition with the U.S.; and Cousin Chauncey, known for his successful defense, despite DNA evidence, in a series of paternity suits. Chauncey is also famous for persuading a jury that that flight attendant wanted him to do what he did.
Cousin Monty is a journalist who bought himself this year's Pulitzer Prize. Unlike most members of the family, he makes an effort to read the books written in his name.
When members of the Malarkey Family encounter difficult situations, they call on the family's most loyal servant, the man known as Consigliere. Consigliere has control of the family's fortune, which comes from various types of smuggling -- of opium during the Second Opium War, alcohol during Prohibition, naughty movies during the Hayes Code era, and cigarettes today. Scores of government officials in 31 states are on his payroll, and he is an expert at targeting bribe money so that the Malarkeys get the biggest bang for their bucks. When bribes are insufficient, Consigliere uses the services of Tony "The Stereotype" Fiorelli, who's really strong. Mo Lampay is the family's top political consultant; C.M. Trevor trains Malarkeys to pass polygraph examinations; and Lizzie Plugger is in charge of destroying the reputations of women who accuse them of wrongdoing.
The Malarkeys define the Progressives' idea of "public service." What does the future hold for them? Only future episodes of "The Gentleman from Lickskillet" will tell. (If you'd like to see future episodes, be sure to sign the petition here.)