"Scalawag Sid" LaPore
"Scalawag Sid" LaPore is one of the top lobbyists in Washington, and a longtime friend of Congressman Randall Dill (R-Alabama).
LaPore has been at the center of almost every
major policy battle in Washington in the past 25 years. He has
done his utmost to help his clients serve "the public interest"
(i.e., the interest of the Washington interests that hire LaPore and
other lobbyists).
His hard work has been amply rewarded. His estate -- Scalawag Acres -- has its own exit off I-66 in rural Virginia outside Washington. Even his stables have hot tubs, wet bars, and plasma TVs. His lobbying to make milk more expensive earned him the money with which he bought a Monet. His lobbying for "energy assistance" for North Korea got him a Manet. And his campaign to get states to sue tobacco companies for "making" people smoke got him a Picasso. His work to get higher taxes on imported wood paid for his mansion.
In 2008, LaPore raised millions for the President's campaign, for the Democratic Party, and for Progressive groups such as KERNEL, as well as for Republicans who believe in "pragmatism," bipartisan compromise, and other forms of self-immolation. The lobbyist's investment has paid off well; his income tripled in 2008 and 2009 as the government took over financial institutions, car companies, and other key elements of the economy.
Recently, his rising income prompted LaPore to trade in his previous wife, who was approaching 30, for a new one. He also traded in his private jet for a new one with a Jacuzzi.
In his effort to replace the Washington Redskins with a professional football team, he utilized the services of Hector Directo (to create ethnic diversity within his consortium) and of the KERNEL activists Hoohee, Doobie, and Loogie (to "astro-turf" a protest of the Redskins' allegedly racist name). He also used the leftwing online encyclopedia Wikipedia to plant in the public consciousness a number of false "racist quotes," supposedly by Redskins management.
Since the 2009 Inauguration, LaPore has made out like a bandit. What does the future hold for "Scalawag Sid" LaPore? Only future episodes of "The Gentleman from Lickskillet" will tell. (If you'd like to see future episodes, be sure to sign the petition here.)