Maggie Dill
Margaret Victoria "Maggie" Dill is the daughter of U.S. Representative
Randall Dill (R-Alabama)
and Annie Boss Dill.
She is a student at the Harry Dexter White School in People's Park, Maryland, where she is considered a troublemaker and rightwing agitator. Although she scores in the top one-tenth of one percent of the population on intelligence tests, some of her teachers treat her as "slow" due to her political views.
Other than her parents and Ronald Reagan, her main role model is her maternal grandfather, the Rev. Judge Boss. Boss was a civil rights leader in the 1960s, marching in Selma and Birmingham. Later, he was a state senator and a candidate for governor of Alabama.
Maggie shares her father's philosophical principles, putting her in a constant state of rebellion against the teachers and administrators at HDWS. She is disciplined so often that Principal Dohrn's office is practically her second home. Whenever something goes wrong with the school's efforts to produce a cadre of leftist leaders, Dohrn blames Maggie, exclaiming "%$#*& Maggie Dill!!!"
When HDWS loaded students into buses headed for the "Pro-Choice Moms Against Guns" rally, someone altered the buses' GPS settings so that they ended up at a "Tea Party" protest instead. Principal Dohrn blamed Maggie.
When HDWS held an assembly at which students would be required to watch a speech by the President, someone changed the TV settings so that students saw, instead, Rush Limbaugh's Dittocam. Principal Dohrn blamed Maggie.
Maggie started a "People of Color Club" that included, in her words, "all People of Color, whether mocha, tan, peach, hazelnut, blush, chocolate, dark beige, or any of the other millions of colors the eye and mind can perceive" -- in other words, everyone. When school officials sought to shut down the club, an unknown hacker erased all racial designations in the school's records and replaced them with "race: human." (The exception was Principal Dohrn's race, which was changed to "mind-numbed Marxist robot.") Principal Dohrn blamed Maggie for the hacking.
Maggie has used her column in the school newspaper to shine the light on alleged wrongdoing. She exposed the use of Happy Drugs on rebellious youngsters by school officials. She foiled a scheme by KERNEL, the President's former organization, to register HDWS kids as voters. She caught teachers helping students to cheat on tests. She stopped the school library from installing filters to block Web sites about Tibet and about the violent history of Progressivism.
In violation of HDWS regulations, Maggie helped start a football team for boys. Male football is banned at HDWS because (a) it reinforces the stereotype that women are typically smaller and weaker than men, and (b) it encourages violence, to which women are more vulnerable than men because of their relative weakness and small size.
During preparations for the 2009 presidential inauguration, Maggie wrote the winning entry in the Children's Inauguration Song contest. (Click here for the song.) She also received national attention when, as part of a campaign against her father, Maggie was attacked as a "re-tard" by the late-night comic Wylat Ottmar.
Maggie
is a constant source of irritation to leftists who run her school because she
rebels against mindless Political Correctness. She rejects arbitrary,
imaginary categories such as "race." She refuses to use the Orwellian language of the education establishment. She demands that her history teacher stick to the truth, that her English teacher teach the great works of Western civilization,
and that teachers avoid building up the same esteem of bullies and ne'er-do-wells.
Her mother worries that Maggie will pay a price for following her conscience -- that, for example, her activism will make it difficult for her to get into an elite college. Her father is proud of her, but feels guilty that Maggie takes after him; he knows firsthand that people with mainstream views do not have the same opportunities in life that are afforded to people on the Left.
A natural-born organizer, Maggie is knitting together a coalition of misfits – including nerds, geeks, dweebs, kids with disabilites, and members of unfavored minorities – to challenge the snobs, the kissups, and the bullies who run the student body at her school.
Her close friends include Adharma "Addy" Halfling, Jenny Candlehawk, and Li'l Big the Sasquatch. She has two cats, Armand and Alger, who are communist spies.
In wintertime, she organizes snowball fights according to the principles of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War."
In the spring and summer, Maggie operates a small political consulting stand on the street in front of the Dill home. She charges 37 cents an hour for her services as a professional campaign manager. When open for business, the stand has a small sign that says, "The Political Consultant is IN."
She also runs a public interest group, Americans Against Lying Communists, which includes a number of her friends from school.
In
her spare time, she writes allegorical fairy tales and monitors
children's shows for political bias. One of her major targets
is "The Maya Anemone and Chris Crustacean Show," a cartoon that
promotes "manmade climate change" theory and urges children to
report their parents for criticizing the government.
Since arriving in the Washington area, Maggie has become a thorn in the side of the local Left. What does the future hold for Maggie, her family, her friends, and the people at her school? Only future episodes of "The Gentleman from Lickskillet" will tell. (If you'd like to see future episodes, be sure to sign the petition here.)